I'm still traveling around Europe with my camper van. But the last update on my blog is from December last year. It's not that I don't want to share my experience, but it's more that I'm struggling with the format and what I'm sharing. It's a self made web-site, which takes quite some effort to update. And I also have the feeling I'm holding back on what I share.

So I'm thinking about giving FaceBook a try. It's a lot easier to write something, while nobody needs to check regularly to see if I have posted something new. And if I do without the pictures showing the beautiful places I visit, my sharings will probably be more raw and honest. At least that's what I hope will happen.

Let's start with a summary of what happened since November 2024 when I visited Hana and Mike in the UK. Well, I participated in a retreat called the Path of Love. And thinking about what to write, I notice that I find it somewhat scary to share what happened there and I get blocked. I'm starting to doubt if it is a good idea to share this, and start to wonder how people will see me when they read this. Just writing this is very challenging, even knowing that I can always decide not to post it.

To understand what happened at the retreat we need to go way back, to something that happened before I was born. At the beginning of the pregnancy I was not alone. There was also my twin-sister. For some reason she did not make it, probably already very early in the pregnancy. On the internet you can easily find information on this and what can happen because of it. But I'm convinced that although there are similarities in what people go through, each story will be unique.

Since January 2021 I have been discovering how this has influenced my life. I was following a course on Family Constellations and my twin sister showed up in a constellation. It was very emotional and unexpected. The first months I didn't realize how this has had a big impact on my life, but when I started a course on holistic counseling (Working With People) in April 2023, every module there where numerous new things that became clear to me. Most things had to do with certain beliefs I told myself and with how I relate to women. Like because I was unable to save my twin sister, I tried to save every women on this planet that I thought needed rescuing. Which apart from being impossible is also quite arrogant.

At the retreat in the UK I was participating in, I noticed that there was a huge feeling of missing my twin sister. I just wanted to be seen by her, which of course was impossible. And because I didn't get this from her, I wanted it from other women. Any other women. Which then of course feels completely off for them and is also not how I want to connect with them. The way to deal with this was to sit with this huge feeling of missing her and not act from that. The retreat itself is a very safe place to be able to deal with something like this. But because it was almost finished when this happened, I wanted to see if I was able to change the way I would deal with this. So I decided to follow the same retreat again, as it was organized in Italy a week later. So I left the UK and traveled to Italy, where I discovered that I was able not to act when the feeling came up again.

Having written this, I feel more calm and confident about sharing about myself. I think that this story also held me back from continuing my blog. It's not about how I implement it, but about admitting that it is scary to share yourself and be vulnerable. So lets see if I can pick up writing what I'm experiencing on my blog again.